Boot Camp

A collection of thoughts about control issues, comfortable chaos, and the cost of the kingdom… 

DISCLAIMER: Nearly a week has passed since I got home from boot camp. I have tried sitting down and collecting my thoughts many times. I could talk for hours about what we ate, how taking down a tent in the pouring rain went, the surprisingly refreshing bucket showers or the surprisingly clean porta-potties, walking with a huge hiking backpack for hours, the amazing worship and fulfilling community. But to be honest I do not know where I would begin and unless you were there and felt what God was doing, me recalling all of the events wouldn’t do my experience justice. 

Boot camp changed my life. I boarded that plane at 5:00 AM not knowing what I was about to step into. After sitting in the airport for a few hours with my new family of racers, we got to camp and a wave of uncertainty hit me. I forget sometimes that those who are living for the Lord have the largest target on their back. Satan was whispering lies of worry and feelings of doubt. I won’t lie and say the first night I went to bed feeling good. I cried myself to sleep in my tent because I had not really understood what I had just said yes to, and my flesh wanted comfort and control back. My need for those things are what being at boot camp brought to light. 

That first night I asked the Lord to give me a sign or calm my anxiety. Lo and behold I woke up with a new attitude. I have wanted to completely say yes to the World Race, and that second day I did so for the first time. I realized that saying yes means fully surrendering. Surrendering is a concept that has always been difficult for me. As someone with control issues and a desire for what is comfortable, I have been impaired from fully surrendering. Now that I gave those things up, I could fully say YES. I feel so free: as if weights I did not know I was carrying have been lifted off of me. I already miss my people. I have always felt trapped in a world surrounded by people who are standing in the shallow end of the ocean while I was swimming. Boot camp gave me a family who seeks after the depths my soul craves. And they not only swim in the deep, but want to drown in it. I cannot wait for the next year of my life. 

I never knew the power of worshiping with a crowd of people who all chose to be there. Every single person in that room wanted to be there; they all said yes. I could feel it in the room, in the campsite, and even in eating foreign food. Everyone was truly in love with Jesus and it was both overwhelming and refreshing.

Last week I not only learned but also experienced the truth that the Holy Spirit is tangible. The Holy Spirit is alive and He is present. He wants us to walk in relationship, not proximity, with the Father. I have a new desire to be overflowing with the Spirit. I want to pour into others what has been graciously poured into me. The Holy Spirit is not a feeling. It is a fact, It is tangible, It is accessible. 

My favorite moment had to be when a group of us were praying together in a circle and it started pouring rain. Every drop gave me chills because it was a physical representation of the Spirit we all felt soaked in. The Lord was weeping with us. There is an old hymn that compares the scent of Jesus to the fragrance of the atmosphere after it rains. How beautiful is that! I was reminded of that with every thunder crack. I learned that sometimes the comfort that I desire is hidden in the chaos. Sometimes it’s not the calm after the rain, it’s finding the calm in the rain itself. That is what being a believer is. Jesus is our calm in a chaos-ridden world. He is the comfort I have been so desperately seeking. It was not until then that I could say the reason I was not fully obtaining his comfort was that I was looking for comfort in the calm. We live in a world that is so full of pain, suffering, and sin that we must not look for Jesus in the calm, but the chaos. I am hopeful that being on mission will help me to do that. There is so much truth when in Luke 6:20-21, Jesus tells His disciples,

 “‘Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.’”

Jesus is reflected in the eyes of those in suffering. He is seen in the slums of the earth. He is the very calm in this chaos. 

I walked away from boot camp being both fully aware of what saying yes to this scary new reality means and completely confident in my decision to join this team. Nothing else feels right. I also walked away fully realizing the sacrifices I am going to have to make to surrender so I can be fully present on the World Race. The more you surrender, the more of yourself you give away. The more of yourself you give away, the more room there is for Jesus. The more Jesus, the more comfort you find in his control. I must give up everything to gain more riches in Christ. Nothing on this earth is worth keeping because nothing is worth Jesus. Not even my desire for control or my desire for comfort. 

Salvation may cost nothing, but walking in the kingdom will cost everything.